Games You Don't Have to Play

Dr. Anthony Andrews-Speed

"Game" is an abridged term for manipulating another person in a negative, coercive way.

Each one of us has played or seen others play games in our workplace. They are similar to the traditional games of chess, baseball, and hide-and-seek. But they are far more subtle -- and they are no fun. Workplace games conjure up bad feelings and have destructive outcomes. Sometimes they result in hurt, fractured relationships and constant conflict. But if we become aware of the patterns and the typical "play-out" steps, we can recognize games more readily, and work on stopping them before full damage is done.

Hostile feelings among coworkers, or between a superior and the troops, cause far more workplace problems than generally is recognized. Unless the leader is aware of his or her own feelings and has learned to read the feelings and attitudes of others, he or she will remain blind as to what's wrong and how to fix it.

How Do The Games Begin

People operate on two levels. The first is called the training/conditioning level. Here Mother Nature has wired human beings so that by puberty they have a whole set of beliefs and behaviors. As they move into adult life, people rely on those programs they learned growing up, and simply repeat the patterns they acquired from the adults who influenced them -- their parents, teachers, etc.

The second of these human operational levels is that of self-awareness. Not only does this mean being aware of your own beliefs, values, and feelings. But it is actually the first step to achieving the goal of self-mastery. It is within this second-domain that people are able to lead themselves and lead others more effectively, more compassionately, and, in terms of business performance, so that an individual's followers can and will execute at their highest level.

Unlike at the training/conditioning level, where the person's behaviors and patterns are unaware, automatic replays of what was learned in childhood, at the self-awareness level, actions and reactions are conscious, intentional and rational. Here people make choices that are on purpose and appropriate for their strategic, long-term goals.

Game playing is driven by our Stress-self -- that part that keeps telling us we're flawed or doomed to failure. Most of this part of us was formed by negative, painful experiences in our childhoods.

To keep ourselves unaware of this darker part of ourselves, we create our "success script," our front. All our games derive from our efforts to maintain this script.

What Are Games?

Games are driven out of the training/conditioning level. They are "programmed," recurring patterns of behavior that spring from negative emotions such as fear or anger. When the behaviors are expressed in the form of games, they typically result in bad feelings, both in the individual initiating the game and in the other game participants.

It is natural for each of us to employ modes of defensiveness to protect our self and our self-image from people and situations where we feel threatened. We created ourselves early in life when we thought we were doing what was necessary to survive, be accepted, fit in. So frequently, what people do from their own perspective, is try to take care of themselves emotionally. They experience negative feelings, and they use what techniques they have learned (such as venting anger, sulking, etc.) to get rid of those bad feelings. The problem is that all too often the followers/coworkers end up experiencing these negative, stressful emotions, too.

Gotcha! and Withhold/Withdraw

Here is a classic example of games. An executive who is achievement oriented, dominant and aggressive, in order to feel successful, can drive very forcefully to accomplish a particular goal or project. If that executive thinks he is being blocked in any way, there is the strong possibility of his aggression being played out in the form of a game. One of the more common games is known by the acronym NIGYSOB (Now I Gotcha, You S.O.B.). The shortened version is called "Gotcha."

Gotcha is played out by an individual who is either in a low state of anger -- frustration, irritation, impatience. Or he may be in a high anger state, expressed as hostility. This hostility can be directed towards his followers, if he does not feel confident that the project goals and deadlines will be met.

I was recently in a company in which the CEO was at war, so to speak, with the CFO. The CFO was originally a "loyal lieutenant" to the CEO; he was a bright, young individual who the CEO had brought up through the organization rapidly, and who had been given a position of power and authority. But at a certain point the CEO went outside the organization through a search process, and brought in another executive who became the Executive Vice President and the CEO's heir apparent.

When this happened, the "loyal lieutenant" felt rejected and passed over by the CEO, and instead of remaining a loyal lieutenant, he became a leader of the opposition. What then began was a series of game playing interactions between the two men.

The CFO began to demonstrate passive/aggressive behavior in another game called Withhold/Withdraw. He began to show up late, leave early, call in sick, and not participate appropriately in meetings by remaining sullen and silent when he was called upon to speak. As the CFO became more and more undermining in his behavior, the CEO, out of his frustration, began to speak rudely and angrily, criticizing him for his actions -- and -- inaction in front of others. In one meeting, the CEO finally had an angry outburst, got up, walked to the door, kicked it, and stormed out.

The result was that the CFO eventually resigned from the company. Someone who had been tapped as one of the best and brightest, brought up through the ranks, and deemed highly effective, had been lost.

Two games were being played in this instance. The CEO, coming from anger and frustration would engage in hostile behaviors, catch the CFO doing things wrong, and then openly criticize in an angry way - Gotcha!

The CFO played Withhold/Withdraw, holding back his good work, positive feelings and team participation to get back at the CEO.

In the end, they were both the losers.

How Not to Play

End the game with self-awareness.

It is very possible to have a negative emotion (as we all do) and not play out a game with another person. You can end the game playing, in other words. How? It is essentially a two-step process.

1. Be responsible for your own feelings. Understand that other people don't cause you to feel anything. The most powerful position leaders can take is to know that what they are thinking, feeling, sensing within themselves, they are the cause of. The tendency in game playing is if you're feeling bad, you do what psychologists call projection, pretending that the other person or a given situation is causing your negative feelings. Leaders are aware that their feelings and emotions are their own, and they seek constructive and appropriate ways of releasing them, without negatively impacting others.

   An example: A coworker comes in and says he or she cannot complete a project on time. Instead of getting angry and blowing up, you could say, "Let's meet in an hour to discuss what to do about the situation." Have the person leave, and you go walk around the block. Do something that moves you out of the angry place and into a positive, more self-controlled place. An hour later, go in and have a constructive discussion about what happened, what kind of damage control needs to be executed, what was done right that can be recognized, reinforced, and do what is appropriate to move forward on the project. Here, instead of creating a hostile and potentially very damaging environment, you lead the way to a mutually supportive, team-oriented partnership where something worthwhile may be accomplished.

   Keep in mind that the choice in how to respond to any given situation is yours to make.

2. The second process involves communication and negotiation. Not talking about a problem and/or getting angry or rude only lead to more game playing. To avoid this, leaders/followers/coworkers can get together to decide how best to minimize the negatives in their relationships. Be diplomatic but open. Set some ground rules for behavior and treatment of issues that may arise. Using consensus, create team agreements, mission statements and shared visions and values. Expand on and empower the positives as much as possible, engaging in straightforward, constructive techniques for giving and receiving crucial feedback. For instance, if in a given situation you feel you cannot respond appropriately, go to the gym and beat a punching bag or take a walk around the block. Then come back and address the other person constructively. In this way, coworkers experience you as inspirational, supportive, respectful.

If a person tries to draw you into a game, you can react in one of two ways:

• You can go along and play -- even though you suspect things will end badly.
• You can eliminate the game by refusing to play and by creating something positive. Listen to what the other person is saying, but decide later how to react, in a way that serves the true purpose and goals that have already been set in place.

Stay on purpose. is your purpose to get the job done or to win a personal tug-of-war with a boss, coworker or follower?

Copyright © 2002-2010, Speed Flanigan Consulting