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Games You Don't Have to Play

To Lead Others Well, First Know Yourself

 


Games People Play

People often live their lives by consistently and predictably playing out identifiable games in their inner and interpersonal relationships. They play games to avoid reality, conceal ulterior motives, rationalize their reactive behavior or to avoid the responsibility of active participation in life situations. Some of the more common games are:

Now I've Got You, You Son-of-a Bitch (NIGYSOB)

Used to justify anger that has built up over an extended time period. The aggressor (usually unconscious) identifies their victim, sets up a trap and springs it as a form of getting even or gaining perceived power.

Ain' t It Awful

Person overtly expresses distress, but it is covertly gratified at the prospect of the satisfaction they can wring from their misfortune.

Blemish

Person seeks to find the blemish or weakness in another or themselves. They exploit others around the discovered blemish from an authoritarian posture. In themselves, it is used for negative reinforcement for inability to perform.

Why Don't you... Yes, But

Played out as a person presents a problem while others present solutions — each beginning with “Why don’t you...?” followed by the objection, “Yes, but...”. The payoff is the silence or masked objection when the solution giver has exhausted their data bank of solutions. This gives the “Yes, but” player evidence that they have won by demonstrating that it is the other person who is inadequate.

If It Weren't For You

Common games played between spouses and business people as a means to avoid responsibility for individual decisions.

Debtor

Often becomes a script.., a life-time plan. Used as a means to create purpose in life. Reaching the top often leaves the player feeling depressed and aimless. It is the struggle to get there that provides purpose.

Look What You Made Me Do

Played by someone who is feeling hurt and angry, who becomes engrossed in an activity which tends to isolate them from people. When interrupted, an accident or error occurs. Player then turns on the intruder. Also used to direct cause or failure in a task the player is angry about having to do or does not know exactly how to do.

Harried, Hurried, Hassled, Hustled

Often played out by the harried housewife or business person whose position requires he/she be proficient in 10 or 12 different occupations or roles: mother, housemaid, provider, achiever, etc. All are conflicting and fatiguing. He/she takes on more and even asks for more, agreeing with other persons’ criticisms and accepting all demands from them. Eventually, he/she collapses, letting down everyone. His/her self-reproach adds to his/her misery. The players act out of inadequacy and fear of being seen as such.

Let's You and Him Fight

Player maneuvers two others into fighting. They align themselves with the winner. Sometimes, while the two are fighting, they will align with a third party who appears to be above fighting or sees honest competition as a sucker’s game.

Wooden Leg

Used to excuse dysfunctional behavior. “What do you expect of a person with a wooden leg?” Often used in statement form, i.e., “I'm a redhead and have a temper”, or “I drink because I’m Irish”, etc.

Kick Me

Played by people whose social manner invites them to be kicked. If people will not kick them, they will behave more and more provocatively until they have exceeded the limits, thereby forcing them to oblige. The jilted. . .the job losers.., the rejected.

Conditional Love

I will love you if... then comes the checklist. If you don’t accept my checklist in every way, I’ll withdraw attention, acceptance, affection. If you do match my checklist, I’ll reward you.

Push-Pull

Played by people who have a fear of closeness/intimacy but are also afraid of being left alone. They will entice or seduce the other person to come close, open up and then when the person has opened up, the push-pull player will retreat, leaving the other person confused.

A more detailed look into the psychology of human relationships is contained in the book, Games People Play, by Eric Berne.

The 3 Roles in Games

All games are played unconsciously when we experience a threat. Game playing serves the purpose of blaming others for our bad feelings/experience. Below are the three role-positions we can play and the characteristics of those roles:

Role
Persecutor
Victim
Rescuer
Triggers
Threat to my ability to get thing done ‘right”
Threat to my ability to escape responsibility
Threat to my ability to help you.
Initial Emotion
Anger (Guilt)
Hurt (Fear)
Fear (Sadness)
Social Artifice
“I’m just making things right.”
“Life shouldn’t be this hard. I can’t do it alone.”
"I’ll make you succeed; you can’t do it alone
Initial Belief
I’m OK, You’re Not
I’m Not OK, You’re OK
I’m, OK, You’re Not
Operating Belief
I’m better than you are; I know more than you.
I’m helpless
Only I can help them; they’re incapable.
Opening Discount
Others
Self
Others
Originating Position
Critical Parent
Adaptive or rebellious child
Nurturing Parent
Plays With
Victim Child (best if Rebellious Child)
Parent (Persecuting or Rescuing)
Victim Child (best if Adaptive Child)
Payoff Artifice
“I’m better than you, even though it’s painful.”
“I’m no good, but can’t you love me anyway?”
“Why can’t you be more like me, and take care of yourself?”
Switched Role
Victim
Persecutor
Victim
Switched Role Payoff
“Don’t you care about quality? You think I don’t deserve better?”
“Why don’t you mind your own business?”
“If you don’t want me to help you, then leave me alone”
Games
NIGYSOB
Top Dog
FMFY
Blemish
Withhold/Withdraw
Know-it-all
Nitpicker
Poor Me/Pity Me Ain’t It Awful
Wooden Leg
Threadbare
Hurried/Hassled
Let’s You and Him Fight
Kick Me/Underdog
Why Don’t You?
I Was Only Trying to Kelp
Here I Come, To Save Day!
Sunnyside Up

The “Rules” of the “Games”

Each one of us employs consistent patterns of defensiveness to protect our self-image from people and situations that we subconsciously sense are a threat or even an outright assault. We created ourselves that way pretty early in life, when we thought that’s what we had to do to survive, to be accepted, to fit in.

Dr. Eric Brene, founder of the Transactional Analysis approach to personality awareness, chose to call these patterns “games”. They are, in fact, similar to more familiar games like baseball or chess or hide-and-go-seek: there are routines, rules, steps, structure, positions, etc.

But these “games” are more subtle. The bad feelings involved and the destructive outcomes are readily observable, but generally after they have taken their toll in hurt feelings, fractured relationships, repeated conflict, etc.

Dr. Berne believed that, if he could help us become more familiar with these unaware game patterns with their typical “play-out” steps and sequencing, we would be able to recognize them more readily. Then we could work on getting better at catching them really early, so we could make either/both of two informed choices:

  • To stop a game I have initiated before the full damage is done
  • To step out of a game someone else has initiated in a way that reduces the damage that might have been done

Basic Game Structure

In games, there are at least two, and sometimes three, possible roles people can choose to play, and the choice is always made from unawareness. These roles are: Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor.

A game can be initiated from any position, and the other player(s) can join in from any other position. In some games, players move from one role to another during the play out of the game. Often, one player is engaged in a game and the other player is working a different game in response.

Most games have some or all of these characteristics:

  • They are repetitive: people play out their favorite game time and time again
  • They are played without adult awareness. People start and get drawn into their game without being aware they are doing it — until the game is finished and they ask themselves: “how did that happen?”
  • There is always something happening underneath the surface that is very different from what the outside world sees happening. For example, I may tell my spouse that everything is fine when, in fact, I am refusing to get into a conversation with him/her because I am angry.
  • In every game, the people who are part of the game — persecutors, victims, rescuers — almost always end up with a bad feeling. They know something is going wrong, or has gone wrong, and they do not know how to fix it.

Persecutor Games

A persecutor tends to put people down, belittle them, diminish them. His/her game usually begins from the unaware belief that “the best defense is a good offense”. Look at these examples arid see which ones are your favorites.

NIGYSOB

Manager Sam feels growing doubts about his own capacity to accomplish a project; he “delegates” the project to subordinate, Nancy. Sam picks Nancy because she doesn’t usually question or challenge his motives or responsibility.

Since Sam wants to be seen as a responsible manager, he provides some seemingly appropriate level of resources (monetary, human, technical) to help Nancy in her work. A timeline is set, which usually is unrealistic given Nancy’s competency, resources or other responsibilities. Sam leaves the task completely in Nancy’s hands, or at best, provides occasional and brief “check-ins” to see how the job is going. Nancy can be counted on to tell him the job is going well, to protect her own inadequacy, and because she hopes that she will be able to pull it off by the deadline. Of course, Nancy comes up short, and when Sam finally checks on the job and finds out, he attacks Nancy and blames her for screwing up the job. Having set her up to fail, he is able to point to her failure as the defense against his own responsibility in the failure: “It just proves if you want something done right, you’ve gotta do it yourself.”

Blemish

Mary, the Audit Manager in the Finance Department, is presented with a first draft audit report by Jean. Mary looks it over, and then asks Jean: “How long did it take you to do this?” “three weeks” Jean says. Mary: “I can’t believe you could spend that much time on this and here are three typos right here on the first page!”

This game is set up by Mary, who forgets (?) she has not informed Jean that she expects her to check for misspelled words as a standard procedure before presenting her a draft report for review. Further, Mary can demonstrate how smart she is to be able to notice spelling errors, and how dumb Jean is to have made them. Mary gets to feel angry (disappointed) in Jean. Jean gets to feel stupid and maybe even hurt, since Mary did not recognize the hard work that she put into doing and reporting what she saw as the major task: correctly accounting for the audit.

Gotcha

Tim is skeptical about Susan’s capability to lead the marketing campaign to win back market share from their competitor. It shows up in a meeting in front of her boss:

Tim: “Would you say that we are positioning ourselves to fend off the threat of the Wide Widget from Wookie Corp?”

Susan: “Of course. This marketing strategy for our Giant Gizmo is targeted directly at their weakness”

Tim: “How much of a market share do they have with their Wide Widget?”

Susan: “I’m not really sure. Probably less than 10%”

Tim: (GOTCHA!) “You don’t know what you’re talking about! The Wall Street Journal article yesterday quotes BKG Audit saying Wookie has 60% market share in L.A., New York, and Orlando. Your strategy may help us stay on top, but it sure isn’t aggressive enough to win back market share in those areas!”

Similar to NIGYSOB, this game has more of an ambush flavor.

Top Dog

A person plays this game to stay on top, to not lose, and to make the other person lose. So any number of rationalizations get made by the Top Dog to justify their position. They find this most useful when they can get someone to argue with them, but they will usually target someone whom they can count on to (eventually) buckle under and let them win.

Victim Games

For inveterate players of victim games, the best winning strategy is to take it on the chin and either come back for more or run from the threat. That’s because the victim believes: “I’m not capable of solving my own problems — you must do it for me.”

Kick Me/Underdog

Ethan agrees to work on a project for his boss, Jane. Jane seems thrilled to have him. It’s widely known that she has pretty high standards, but neither Ethan nor Jane initiate any discussion of expectations for the project. But when Ethan delivers the work product to Jane, she immediately butchers it! Ethan has set himself up for Jane to persecute him, but he blames her for his anger and hurt, rather than acknowledging his role in the drama: not getting specific enough up front to be able to do a good job.

Poor Me, Pity Me: Ain't It Awful?

Susan always has an excuse. Like the third-grader who can never turn in her homework “because the dog ate it,” Susan similarly finds reasons beyond her control that things don’t work for her (Ain’t it Awful?) Her car is in the shop, so she can’t make the meeting; her neighbor has to go to the hospital and she spent time watching her kids so she was late with her mortgage payment; she didn’t get paper for the printer because she only buys 50% recycled content and the store only had 25%; etc. She will engage others to try to help her overcome her difficulties (rescue her), but she really doesn’t want their help. . . she just wants to go on being a victim (Poor me, Pity Me)

Withhold/Withdraw

Billy gets upset whenever Gary comes to class. Gary always speaks with the other classmates in their team projects, and has a charisma about him to which the other classmates gravitate. Although Billy has been named team coordinator, it is clear that Gary has the real personal power. So Billy just clams up, doesn’t engage Gary in conversation, will not confront Gary with his feelings. He would rather experience the smoldering hurt of the victim role and blame Gary’s persecution.

Wooden Leg/Threadbare

These games are similar, but with different rationales.

In Wooden Leg, Carol blames her lack of promotion for having gotten stuck with Roger, not known to be a strong leader (her Wooden Leg that keeps her from advancing more quickly). Although Carol has done nothing to distinguish herself while working for Roger, she blames him for her lack of advancement, and looks for someone to come rescue her.

In Threadbare, Randy blames his poor performance on the crummy, outdated, and shopworn computer system that is provided for him. He reasons that it is the computer, rather than his own lack of competence or initiative, that keeps him from better performance, despite the fact that the others in his department produce better results with the same kind of resources. At any rate, he can blame his hurt on the mangers who won’t buy him a new computer (the imaginary persecutors), while beseeching them to rescue him by getting him a better system

Hurried/Harried/Hassled

Joanne can’t ever seem to get her life under control. She always seems to have more on her plate than she can take care of, and she is frenetically flying from one project and meeting to another. Whether it’s servicing her accounts, serving as United Way coordinator, employee parking-lot task force member, or preparing birthday surprises for her fellow employees, neighbors, and family, she is always busy. Although she may have good intentions, she fails to do anything really well, and she blames her failures on all her responsibilities, or even her boss or staff, who “expect” her to fulfill all these responsibilities. She chooses not to see that she is the one who piled on each of her responsibilities. It’s easier and more comfortable to blame her harried/hassled feelings on the “expectations of others.”

Look How Hard I Tried

Ed worked hard at finishing the audit, spending many late nights at the office. Unfortunately, he did not use standard auditing procedures, nor did he ask for assistance in framing how he would do the audit. When his boss sees his report, she can’t believe he could work that hard for something that doesn’t present what she know their clients need to guide their decisions. She questions his competence, to which he can defend his actions stating “Look How Hard I Tried.’ He clings to the belief that effort should be the measuring stick instead of results, and so remains trapped in a victim role.

Sunnyside Up/Pollyanna

Richard calls himself an optimist. Whenever something goes wrong, he always “looks on the bright side of things.” When Gizmo Corp canceled their account with him, he just smiled and said it must have been for the best, and “we’ll keep ‘em next time”. He skirts the negatives in his world, rationalizing that it doesn’t do him any good anyway. Through his Pollyanna outlook, he is seeking to rescue himself from fear and hurt that things don’t always go well in the world.

While optimism can engender high spirits and a can-do environment, Richard’s unconsciously extreme attitude shuts him off from learning that comes from experiencing failing. This game can be played very subtly, with many rationalizations, thus it is very hard for the Self-rescuer to root out and identify.

Why Don't You...Yes, But...

This game usually demonstrates the role-shift possibilities very dramatically. The victim subtly seeking to be rescued finds him/herself sliding into the role of persecuting his/her rescuer and turning him or her into the victim.

Lois tells Tom about the difficulties in her office. No one will follow the scheduling procedure that she set up, even though th.ey swore to her that they would. She comes to Tom dripping frustration and hurt.

Lois: “What am I going to do? I’ve tried everything! This whole thing is coming apart. And, I’m gonna look really bad before this is over.”

Tom: “Why don’t you talk to them about it?”

Lois: “Well, I tried, but they still keep on avoiding following through.”

Tom: “Well, why don’t you reward those that do keep up with their schedule?”

Lois: “That won’t work because there’s only one out of nine that do it!”

Tom: “Why don’t you publish their names and follow-through reports?”

Lois: “Why don’t you just listen to me and let me figure it out on my own! I was just trying to tell you how I feel for crying out loud!”

Whether the victim turns persecutor and the rescuer turns victim can occur relatively quickly as in this scenario. It can also occur over a longer duration. Either way, the Why Don ‘t You... Yes, But...garnes is a defensive strategy for the rescuer who may be feeling afraid that he won’t be able to solve the problem and rescue the victim, and therefore risk being seen as incompetent, not pleasing, irresponsible, not a very effective problem-solver. When he can’t solve the problem, he shifts himself (frequently with help) into the victim role, or rationalizes it as the other person’s fault, reinforcing his own rescuer-role and script.

I Was Only Trying to Help!

This is the painful, angry end-game of the failed rescuer. Once Lois turns on Tom, he gets to reply that he was only trying to help. This justification is really more of a victim game than a rescuer game in its initial response. However, as the discussion continues, the premise becomes that the rescuer sees himself as justified in his role, returning the victim to theirs. Continuing from the dialogue above:

Tom: “Lois, you know I was only trying to help. If you don’t want my help, then why did you ask for it?”

Lois: “I didn’t ask for it. I was just telling you about what’s going on at work, and you just started telling me what to do.”

Tom: “No, I was making suggestions about what you could do.”

Lois: “Well, it sounded like you were telling me what to do.”

A Comparative Look at Game Structures

The following tables try to “categorize” these popular games in ways that may make it easier for you to get an overview, and recognize, and anticipate, plan for, and extricate yourself from them. Please take them not as gospel or unequivocally definitive; remember the utterly complex human ego we are trying to understand and manage.

How a Persecutor Plays a Game
Game Role Persecutor
Ego State Critical Parent
Complimentary Role Victim
Complimentary Ego State Adaptive Child or Rebellious Child
Premise I'm OK; You're NOT OK
Initial Emotion Anxiety (Fear)
Visible Emotion Anger
Trigger

Belief that what is about to happen will not happen "the way that it should" and that this will make the Persecutor look bad, in their own eyes principally, or in the eyes of others, secondarily.

Moves

Persecutor selects someone that they believe they can WIN Over, and the other will willingly Lose. (Ps don't choose people to play with that they feel will push back harder than they push.)

P asks for or expects outcomes, without checking out that the other has the knowledge or competency to perform it the way P wants it.

Victim accepts task, project or assignment. This is done out of an unaware desire to please or avoid confrontation. V may feel social pressure to accept the assignment or role, so they aren't seen as "rocking the boat."

V: Presents outcome, or engages in process.

P: Frustrated because process or outcome is still "not good enough," P blames V and justifies their own anger based upon some rationalization of standards that the V did not fulfil. P denies culpability, and places the responsibility for "failure" on the V.

Defensive Effect P gets to shift blame from their own responsibility for the outcome to V, thereby defending themselves from a bruised ego that they might have been so dumb/incompetent/weak as to produce this outcome.
End Game Both P and V feel angry and hurt and the fear continues.
Game Names NIGYSOB
Blemish
Gotcha!
Top Dog

 

How a Victim Plays a Game
Game Role Victim
Ego State Adaptive Child or Rebellious Child
Complimentary Role Persecutor or Rescuer
Complimentary Ego State Critical Parent (For Persecutor) or Nurturing Parent (for Rescuer)
Premise I'm Not OK; You're OK
Initial Emotion Anxiety (Fear)
Visible Emotion Hurt
Trigger Belief that the world is too much for them, or that they are insufficient to meet their challenge
Moves (with Persecutor

Victim: Puts themselves into one-down position with someone who can exert position or personal power over them in the complementary Persecutor Role

Persecutor: Catches the V making an error, breaking a rule, failing to perform a required task, etc.

Victim: Blames the P on not supporting them, and being a jerk for attacking them, while they themselves assiduously avoid their own culpability in not asking for support.

Moves (with Rescuer)

Victim: generically disempowers themselves in their choice of actions, then "blames the world" (or some aspect of it) for their bad feelings, but wants someone to "make it better." By disempowering themselves with a message of "I just don't have the knowledge, skills, or emotional fortitude," they elicit a nurturing response from the rescuer.

Rescuer: Takes them by the hand to "help them solve their problem."

Victim: Resists the help initially due to the social artifice of not needing their help, perhaps only to get themselves in deeper water and making things even worse.

Rescuer: Tries even harder to help, sometimes even taking on anger when the victim does not empower themselves.

Victim: Eventually gets tired of the Rescuer "sticking his nose in my business" and "bites the hand that feeds it." In some games, this takes years, since both the Victim and Rescuer reinforce their roles through buying into the reality of their position.

Defensive Effect Victim gets to shift blame from their own responsibility for the outcome to the Persecutor or Rescuer, thereby defending themselves from a bruised ego with the knowledge that they might have been so dumb/incompetent/weak as to produce this outcome.
End Game

Both Victim and Persecutor or Rescuer feel angry and hurt, and the fear continues.

 

Game Names

Kick me/Underdog
Poor Me/Pity Me/Ain't it Awful
Withhold/Withdraw
Wooden Leg/Threadbare
Hurried/Hassled/Harried
Look How Hard I Tried